Learning to LeanPosted by Debbie on Thursday, September 13, 2012 08:59 amIn the 31 years sinceI dedicated my life to Christ, He has led me through some very hard times. I was blessed with a nearly perfect childhood and had no real experience with hardship or trials. Because of this, I had a lot of self confidence and was taught self-reliance. My brothers and I were fairly competative and always strived to succeed in school and in our other endeavors. We heard that "god helpe those who help themselves" and "look out for number one" from our culture. When one is so solid in themselves, they are difficult to mold and change into something else. So, God began the process of molding me. Like metal in the steel worker's hands or clay in the potter's, I had to be heated and hammered and kneaded. This process came in the form of health and financial difficulties. Twice we were reduced to almost only the clothes on our backs and at one point our little family of four had to stay in one room at our church because we had no where else to go. I was having to learn to trust God through all of this. One of the hardest events to place my trust in Him was when I miscarried our first child. I could not see His purpose in the death of the little one I had come to love so deeply. I had experiencedsensing the presence of this little life within me at the moment of conception and felt it throughout its short life. I even felt the distress it felt just before its death and then I no longer felt its presence. I asked God in my pain why He had even let me know I was pregnant, since I had always had irregular, and very painful cycles. I might have mistaken the miscarriage as a VERY late period. I thought that had I not known, I wouldn't hurt so much at the loss. But now, I am so thankful that He let me know my baby while he/she was alive and I can look forward to seeing it one day. Even though we went through hard financial times, God always restored what we had lost. after the second restoration, I became proud of my ability to raise an autistic child and keep a smooth-running household. I had everything under control . then I was hit head-on by a school bus and all that came to a screeching halt. My injuries landed me in a wheelchair and I was told I could not do any of the things I needed to do. I had been so self-reliant and now I had to rely on others to do for me. that was the hardest thing of all for me to do. all my life I felt uncomfortable when others did things for me. Even in restaurants, I felt uneasy being waited on. I was the one who usually did the serving, the cleaning, the chores. I deceived myself into thinking it was because I was humble, but now i know it was a form of pride. God had to show me what it was and He had to do it in a drastic way. Thease are just a few of the trials in my life. When I tell others of all that my husband and I have gone through, they marvel that we can even smile. But, what I have finally begun to learn is that in all things, God WANTS us to lean on Him. He doesn't want us to be self-reliant. He is happy to bless us, to provide all we need, but He wants us to know that it is HIM who provides and to learn to look to Him and to trust Him. We need to trust Him, even when we don't see the purpose in what He allows in our lives. Some might say that is a form of slavery, to bend to another's will. But, actually,it's quite freeing. You don't have to worry about anything. You trust that God knows what He's doing and that He hasyour best interests at heart. You know that He can do anything and that He knows the end from the beginning and can orchestrate events so that we will be molded by them and will finally become all that He wants for us. So, after 31 years, I am FINALLY, truly, learning to lean on the Lord.
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